Rats and Politics

In the December 9, 2011 issue of Science, researchers from the University of Chicago placed pairs of rats in plexiglass pens, one pair per pen, with one of the rats trapped in a smaller cage within the pen. After about a week of apparent consternation, prodding, and testing, the unrestrained rat eventually figured out how to open the inner cage door and free their mate.

In another test, a second inner cage containing bits of chocolate -- the rat’s favorite snack -- were added. The unrestrained rats first freed the caged rats, then shared the chocolate with them. Further tests showed that the rats had no interest in opening empty cages, or cages containing toy rats, indicating that their goal was to help a cage-mate in distress. Mason and Bartal, the UC researchers, concluded that rodents are far more altruistic that previously thought.

I would like to propose similar experiments using humans rather than rats. Experimental protocols would use liberals and conservatives as roommates with each alternating between being unrestrained and trapped. My predictions are as follows.

1. Unrestrained liberal, trapped conservative – the liberal frees the conservative.

2. Same as #1, with cash in the room – the liberal frees the conservative and they share the cash.

3. Unrestrained conservative, trapped liberal – in order to be freed, the liberal agrees to give up Social Security, Medicare, most constitutional rights, and deny global warming. The conservative frees the liberal, but only after the liberal shows him how.

4. Same as #3, with cash – before being released, the liberal must give up Social Security, Medicare, and most constitutional rights. The conservative takes all of the cash, including the share the liberal got from #2, then gives it to the Koch brothers, Rupert Murdock, and Wall Street investment bankers who then foreclose on the liberal’s cage. The liberal leaves peacefully, but then is also required to deny global warming, raise taxes on the middle class and poor people, eliminate taxes on the top 1%, accept the U.S. as a Christian nation, and change the national anthem to “Dixie”.

Conclusions: rats are altruistic; conservatives are not; liberals need to grow a pair.

Fox News reported that a homeless liberal is arrested for stealing chocolate from a rat.

JLF

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